1. Lust

“Who knows our band’s name?” (beat) “Oh! You up front, with the nice titties?” That was uttered by the frontman / trumpet player of Brass Roots on the Great Stage early Saturday. The band performed bright and tight covers of your favourite tunes, from Roxanne to Fuck You. Grinding commenced in every corner of the audience. Despite the horrendous weather, flesh was flaunted. I caught two unwanted glimpses of penis. I didn’t even know that nipple-revealing dungarees were a thing.

To say the SGP is gay-friendly is the understatement of the summer. The entire spectrum of the Kinsey scale was on proud display, from metrosexual men in shimmery skirts making out with their girlfriends, to hot lesbian security guards in every shape, size, and expression of femininity.

2. Gluttony

My boyfriend and I each ate 3 black pudding Scotch Eggs and started to have panic attacks when we couldn’t find the Paella tent. The food stalls were not as fancy as you’ll see at other festivals, but there was lots of saturated fat and deliciousness to be found. I’m still having dreams about the bloody maria and 3 oysters we ordered at the Bloody Mary and Oyster Bus. A “Maria” has tequila instead of vodka and the bartender must have liked my smile because it was 3 parts Taq, a dash of tomato, maybe there was a celery stick it’s all a drunken blur now…

3. Greed

Fleetmac Wood. The moment Christine McVie’s clear “Oh IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WANT TO BE WITH YOU EVERYWHERE” filled the Pagoda, hundreds of rapacious festival goers greedily flung every body part, you guessed it, everywhere. Not an inch of dance space was shared, and the queue swelled with impatient sinners eager to hear electronic remixes of Stevie Nicks and company. It was the perfect sound for a hungover Saturday morning.

On an even greedier note, some evil-doer stole my boyfriend’s wellies while we made love in the tent. There is no greater crime one can commit at a rainy fest. He spent the next two muddy days in trainers. Teachable moment: never leave your boots outside the tent, there are miscreants about.

4. Sloth

I slept 10 hours Saturday night. There was no need for that, we’d taken a nap on a haybale earlier in the day. Those were surprisingly comfortable. I had packed my laptop and a good book, had selected a couple of yoga classes I was going to take. Neither of them were ever opened, yoga was never practiced. Everything about SGP is conducive to dreamy lethargy. The beautiful surroundings and lack of responsibility make for a perfect lazy holiday.

5. Wrath

That said, there was DEATH METAL AT THE SECRET GARDEN PARTY. The Men That Will Not Be Blamed for Nothing did a screaming set at the Feast of Fools to the 12 people who could tolerate the rain. They have a song about a couple on holiday at the beach and suddenly Cthulhu shows up. This song is everything. Satan is so proud.

Also representing the Wrath, in a pop-punkier sense, was Vant. Bitter working class kids from somewhere up North kicking out solid tunes about everything shitty in life, from best friend betrayal to horrible jobs. What a wondrous angry respite from dance music. It was exactly what my ears wanted. I hope these guys keep going, they’ve got the potential and credibility to carry the punk rock torch.

6. Envy

Hinds. I’ve seen them twice and I’m obsessed. Their sound is so specific, their songs so fun, they have charming on stage personalities, but there’s one problem. They are SO FUCKING PRETTY. I can be in love with them and still pout with envy at their fabulous hair and perfect bums. Hmmmph.

At Glastonbury last month, these girls wowed a tent full of people who’d never heard them before. Just 4 weeks later, they’ve got a crowd of fans up front who know every word. They are going places.

7. Pride

Cat Empire. What a bunch of showoffs. We get it, you’ve got insane musical abilities that blend genres in a unique way and every member can play multiple instruments. Yeah, you drew a huge crowd. Does that mean you have to enrapture them into a heathenish dance frenzy that showcased all 6 previous sins in a giant festival orgy of fun? I guess it does. You know you’re amazing. We’ll go see you wherever, whenever.

That was SGP 2015. If you barbarians want to be a part of the sinfulness next year, early bird tickets for 2016 are already on sale: https://www.theticketsellers.co.uk/tickets/secret-garden-party/10037501&....